How are you?

I super appreciate the positive stories and experiences from people who have had major surgery and sailed right through. But, truly, it has been hearing from people who struggled, experienced setbacks, and had a hard time that have been most helpful. Knowing I am not alone in this craziness of my body adjusting and readjusting to the physical trauma I inflicted upon it is so soothing! 

There is a dissonance between "common, normal, major, serious surgery" that is confusing. Three weeks post surgery tomorrow and my energy is up and down, the pain is not completely gone, I miss work, but am anxious about returning to work in a couple weeks, and my organs are literally and figuratively all over the place. 

I think I had this idea that being on leave for a month would bring some rest, but honestly, this is a stressful experience where we are monitoring and tracking meds, symptoms, and progress around the clock. It is work. And some of the "normal" side effects (insomnia, mood swings, back pain, nausea) do not feel normal at all. File it all under things I wish I would have known pre-surgery! 

Another random thought: we should employ meal trains more often as a general means of community support. Not having to plan, shop, prep, cook, and clean at night is a gift that often keeps giving for lunch leftovers the next day. On one hand, when friends were first offering to set it up, I felt such guilt at possibly making more work for others. Thankfully, those friends persisted and assured us that people want to help, feel of service and need, and this is a small way to do that and be in community and learn to accept help. 

Last random thought for this post...we have friends who are in the medical community in some way and we often message them questions. It is fascinating- they all share the same answer but in a different language connected to their individual expertise and positions. Wow is it ever helpful to hear the same answer but in different forms! It makes processing info so much easier. And for Matt and I, two different people who take in information very differently, this community of folx have provided much relief, comfort, reassurance, facts, and much needed perspective. 

...Feel free to reach out and call or text or facetime and ask how I'm doing. I'll probably say, "I'm good, how are you?"

And by "good", I mean: "I don't know, how should I be doing? I feel awful, I feel great, I'm super tired, I had enough energy to walk around my kitchen. I miss my staff and students, I have no desire to sift through weeks of email and no idea what to expect when I return to work and am anxious about that. My body does not feel right, it's missing something. I don't regret my decision and am really looking forward to being 6 months out and never having a period and all the symptoms that come with it ever again! I'm not looking forward to new medical debt, I'm totally willing to swipe my credit card for a vacay as soon as we can travel. I'm thankful for our family and friends, I like our family working and schooling at home. I'm scared of racist white people and want to leave this country. I'm excited for the new administration coming in but still want to leave this country and expose our kids to other cultures and ways of being. These things keep me up at night and I can't sleep, I fall asleep during the day and feel rested after an hour nap. I'm hungry."

But that's a mouthful and I'd rather hear how YOU are doing, so please oblige me in this moment and tell me a story :-)