All the Feels

This move has given our family all the feels...

Excitement----> When you have been working hard, putting in late hours, failing and picking yourself back up, leaning on your village for help, and then you accomplish something...excitement doesn't even begin to describe it. But I rather like the word, so it's what I'm going with right now ;-) The perma smile on my face is a physical expression of the excitement and joy coursing through my heart and inner being at saying yes to new opportunities. It's been a little less than a year, about 8 months of over analyzing, researching, applying, applying, applying, rejection, and missed it by this much moments. 

Stress----> When you and your partner work in the same field, a field that is full of transient couples all applying to the same jobs and crossing their fingers that they are doing the right thing by their families, job searching together is stressful. You second guess decisions, you look at schools near family, you look at the maps from the southern poverty law center in hopes of not moving to a hotbed of hatefulness. You agonize over school districts and program offerings for your kids. You look up neighborhoods on watchdog to see how many sexual offenders live in the area. You have multiple conversations about wanting to find something challenging but not insurmountable, somewhere with good people doing good work who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and be vocal and public in their support of ALL students in a very visible way through policy, practice, and community. You look at your finances. Repeatedly. And you ask yourselves, how much could we cut or downsize for the right position? And you try to not be dazzled by fancy titles and salaries masking shallow responsibilities. You fight, you argue, you disagree and you go to bed feeling no solution is in sight. Because in that moment you can't see and the ambiguity and restlessness of your situation contributes to your blindness. You revise each others’ resumes, edit each others cover letters, and text each other practice interview questions. This elaborate game of moving pieces (insert your favorite board or video game) is put on hold for snack breaks, makeup sex, kid drop offs and pick ups, family emergencies and vacations, birthday parties, datenights, papers, meal prep, illnesses, and continued engagement at your current job. You still have a job- don’t forget that. People are relying on you to do your job and show up and meet deadlines and be there. Job searching is stressful!! Different parts are stressful for different people and for me, it’s the unknown timelines. How much to prepare, what if, then this, when? In case you couldn’t have guessed by now, I am a planner with a love affair with checklists and vibrant post it notes color coordinated by task, ink, and size.

Relief----> Reassurance that you are doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and moving forward in a way that will support your family in all ways (emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, you name it) elicits a great big sigh…cue At Last, the Etta James original.

Humility---> Go back to stress and excitement and revisit that part about applying repeatedly, rejection, and failure.

Thankfulness ---> Our last week in NV was a daily experience in being grateful.  Matt’s fraternity brothers brought us food, called in movers, jumped our car battery, and moved furniture. Framily like David and Adriana & Serj helped us with a garage sale, Mount Rose families helped with care for the girls and joining us for some much needed fun, Matt P. making us dinner when the kitchen was all packed up. When our hotel was overbooked and our room was given away because firefighters were coming in to help with the multiple wildfires surrounding the city (thanks for all you do by the way!), Laura & Mark didn’t hesitate to let us stay the night at their house. The emotional send off that broke me at Trinity church as we attended service right before we hit the road. April & Kay taking care of Biscuit (and yes that story deserves a blog of its own but I’m too emotional about it to handle that one at this time!). My TMCC FA staff sending us off with a party and survival kit :-). Even on the road, when Staci B. realized we were in her city she did our laundry and had us over for a playdate! Mind you, she herself had just moved with her darling 7 yr old to a new city for a new job at SOU barely a week before! The power of the internet and social media to connect folks was never more evident to me than in that moment! And Uncle Peter meeting us on our drive for a quick stop where the girls could run and we could enjoy all the treats he brought. And Emily & Chris hosting us overnight and making breakfast, plus getting to see G-Dub!!! And hubby staying with Aunt Kitty and fam in Carson for a bit…Blessings have been abundant and constant, and a thousand thank yous aren’t enough to accurately convey how grateful we are to the loving people in our lives who we love more than they know.

Anxiety---> Just as we figure out my health issues and meds and I feel better, we choose to leave. Finding new doctors who I trust, and who know what they are doing fills me with anxiety. Finding a new hairstylist and nail tech half as good as Carla and Erica seems downright impossible! They are not service providers, they are friends who happen to be skilled professionals. Looking up new doctors for the girls. Finding the grocery store. Did we pack everything? Will the movers arrive? On time? What if they get lost? For me, one questions sparks five others and I spiral into this paralysis for a bit, then I overdo it with trying to fix everything immediately, otherwise I don't sleep and can't get my mind to settle or calm and I scratch and itch and my body is restless and uncomfortable. My vision gets blurry and I get weary to the point of exhaustion. And thinking of all of that, reminds me I need to seek out a new doctor! 

Doubt ---> Are we doing the right thing? Is this move the right time? Is it selfish to want more than what we have? The answer is yes to all those questions, in case you were wondering. ;-) 

Sadness & Grief ---> When I was an undergrad I saw a counselor (and a few informal counselors) on campus who helped me with some PTSD and mental health issues (bi-products of my non traditional upbringing). I learned that it’s ok to be sad and grieve loss and change. There have been times when I forgot that. Remind me to share a conversation Matt and I had with our marriage counselor about how I probably never fully grieved the two miscarriages we had between girls and how that swirling bottle of unchecked emotions was probably fueling my raging baby fever.  And if we’re being honest continues too!  So we are sad and we grieve the loss of the life we lived day to day in Reno. It’s not that we won’t continue relationships with loved ones, because we will. But the ease of being able to hang out with and hug those loved ones at a moments notice has been lost. And we made that choice for all the right reasons. It was not an easy decision, nor was it taken lightly. But it was the right choice. When the girls are sad, I tell them it’s ok to be sad. We hug and sometimes cry. We do talk about ways to stay connected and sustain friendships, but we let them feel sad and allow them space to grieve and talk about it. In doing so, we value, respect, and honor the life we had and we take full ownership over our decision to move and start a new chapter.

Contentment & Happiness---> Everything about this move has fallen in to place, I believe not by happenstance, but by His design. I wake up and I say I trust in you, and I trust in the person I have grown to be and am continuing to become. And the fear and grief and doubts are replaced with peace and contentment.

Hope----> For years I have wanted to move abroad and this past year, the events happening in our country have done nothing but make me want to take my family overseas away from the ugly of it all. I applied for over 20 jobs abroad, and didn’t get a single on campus interview. This year, one professor for a post doc told me not to even apply because he had over 200 applicants and was refusing to read any more! The competition this year has been wild. I feel I should get bonus points for having goals of an international professional experience, prior to the reign of 45 but that is not to be. At least not yet ;-) I am renewed and ever hopeful that this adventure will one day lead to international adventures. More importantly, after doing multiple interviews with people around the country and learning about incredible things happening on campuses all over, I am more hopeful today about the pure good in people to prevail through today’s ugliness. When I am at home or driving, reading or listening to the news, it feels isolating and overwhelming. But this job search process has been a refreshing reminder that there are more people out there with good hearts than not.