I'm going to attempt to answer a few questions Mr. Smith and I get.
"Why are y'all so annoyingly happy all the time?""How did you know it was right?"
"Do you ever fight?"
"What makes it work?"
Of the many reasons I'm about to explain, one of them is because we keep it private! Writing about the dynamics of our relationship is contradictory to that, but sometimes we share our story in hopes of helping someone. Whether it's getting to know us better or sharing tools that work for us that could work for others, nothing I write is new information.
Out of everything that makes a relationship work, I think people can find a combination of things to suit them. What works for one couple may not work for another. And that's ok! Today's entry is not about persuading people to follow the "Smith Guideline to a Happy Healthy Union". This is not TLC people.
In no particular order, other than what randomly pops in my mind as my fingers fly over the keyboard, here is a quick glimpse at why we work.
#1 Faith. Faith in God. Faith in each other. As some of you know, religion was a point of contention during our courtship! Many discussions and readings and prayers later we found what works for us when it comes to how our family worships. And we didn't end the conversation once we figured out what church to go, how we would celebrate holidays and so on. It's an ongoing exploration that pushes us to continually challenge our beliefs and values.
#2 We Talk. A lot. About everything! You know us individually and know that we can chat till the cows come home and make ice cream. Can you imagine what it's like when we talk to each other? Our first date when Matt cooked dinner, the food was great and ensured a second date. But the 6 hour conversation that followed dessert about politics, religion, money, books, movies, values, relatives, family, goals, mistakes, home ownership, forgiveness, music, the past and the future is what made us realize our meeting was more than chance and it was the beginning of something special. There was nothing we didn't know about each other by the time we said "I do". It was important for our relationship that we talked about everything and anything because we both wanted to be on the same page with no surprises later on.
#3 Public Support. Have you found yourself in that situation where you're with a group of friends and one person starts talking about their partner and what made them upset and a second person jumps in to show how much worse their spouse is? And before you know it, people are going round and round about "I hate it when they do this" and "They make me so mad when they do that" and "I would not put up with that if I were you". It is during these scenarios when we step back and think of how much we love each other. Instead of participating in the negative bru-ha-ha, we'll stay silent or change topics. Why you ask? Because tearing down each other in public is not a show of support for one another in our home. We are each other's biggest cheerleaders. And if there was truly something we felt the need to gripe about, we would address it at home with each other and fight that $h@t out till it was resolved. In a cordial manner of course :-) Now that's not to say that if there was an issue we were looking for some insight on from a trusted friend, we wouldn't share that with someone. Of course we would and do. But putting our business out among a group of people we don't really know who are chomping at the bit to feel justified in their bitterness is just not productive for us.
#4 and speaking of fighting... Yes, we fight. Some of y'all know we have had some doozies! But we laugh about it and we let it go. And we usually wait till the storm has passed before relating the events to someone. No grudge holding allowed. Our marriage counseling was conducted beautifully by Father John Goddard. On session two he asked us about our last fight. We happily launched into a vivid retelling of the fight we had the day before. Father John looked at us amazed and said most couples tell him they don't fight at all. That's right, most couples seen by Father John would rather lie to a person of the cloth than face their own issues. We don't have time for all that! The truth shall set you free and it set us on a path of openness and quick forgiveness. If I don't have the words to express why I'm upset, we take a break and go eat dinner or play with Cassidy. Then when I'm ready, and I have all the words in hand that I need, we get back to it. If Matt starts to tense up and do this crazy hand-moving-through-air-thing, we stop and he meditates. Then he comes back ready to listen and be heard. It is work. But it is worth it.
#5 We take advantage of support offered by other couples in our life together. Matt's parents have been married for nearly 40 years. With Terri and Kyle, we often feel like we're looking in the mirror! We know their home as well as ours, and to date they are the only people Cassidy has spent the night with. Jen and Kari were among the first people to celebrate with us when we got engaged, and showed us how to nurture one another when beset by adversity. Rita and Steve feed us with generosity and kindness. Witnessing the start of Heather and John's life reminds us of our beginning together. Mark and Rene show us faithfulness. I could go on and on about the incredible couples and people in our life. I would be writing for much longer if I cited everyone that brings joy and love to our family. I might not have written your name down, but you know who you are. There are many more examples than just the few people I mentioned and it is because we have this network of friends and family that we can be successful. Love produces more love and there is an abundance of it in our little world.
#6 We laugh. And giggle. And chortle. And guffaw. Until tears are streaming down our cheeks, landing on hands holding our stomachs while we try to catch our breath. There is always time for some silliness in our household. We try not take ourselves too seriously.
#7 As a female, I don't do the "You should know what I'm thinking and I should not have to tell you" game. Nobody wins that game in our house. Matt is not a mind reader. And I am not afraid to use my voice while alternating the level of sassy that infuses my tone so as not to be shrewish. If I look upset and Matt asks me if I'm ok and I answer, "I'm fine."....it means I'm fine, or I will be soon if you give me some space, and let me get over it. If I'm really not fine then I speak up and say what's bothering me.
#8 As a male, Matt is the head of our household without being a dictator. We are equals but I trust him to lead our family. He equally participates in everything it takes to run a home and raise our child. And when we need to, we each step up and help out more to support the other.
There is so much more to the intricacies that make us work. But as I said in the beginning, we like to keep SOME things private... ;)
So I encourage you to think about your relationships. Tell someone you love them. Partner, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, beloved pet - it's all love and these relationships matter. If you can, don't let society dictate to you what's right and what's wrong. Trust yourself to know yourself and make your own definitions. If it doesn't exist, create it! And if you want to, when you find that perfect blend of happy-silly-comforting-joyous-loving-challenging-person to be in your life, or maybe you already found it, know that we will support you the way you have supported us.
In a way I guess this is deeper than answering the question of why we work. As the thoughts fill the page I see more of a love letter not just about us, but to those we love and hold dear.
Out of everything that makes a relationship work, I think people can find a combination of things to suit them. What works for one couple may not work for another. And that's ok! Today's entry is not about persuading people to follow the "Smith Guideline to a Happy Healthy Union". This is not TLC people.
In no particular order, other than what randomly pops in my mind as my fingers fly over the keyboard, here is a quick glimpse at why we work.
#1 Faith. Faith in God. Faith in each other. As some of you know, religion was a point of contention during our courtship! Many discussions and readings and prayers later we found what works for us when it comes to how our family worships. And we didn't end the conversation once we figured out what church to go, how we would celebrate holidays and so on. It's an ongoing exploration that pushes us to continually challenge our beliefs and values.
#2 We Talk. A lot. About everything! You know us individually and know that we can chat till the cows come home and make ice cream. Can you imagine what it's like when we talk to each other? Our first date when Matt cooked dinner, the food was great and ensured a second date. But the 6 hour conversation that followed dessert about politics, religion, money, books, movies, values, relatives, family, goals, mistakes, home ownership, forgiveness, music, the past and the future is what made us realize our meeting was more than chance and it was the beginning of something special. There was nothing we didn't know about each other by the time we said "I do". It was important for our relationship that we talked about everything and anything because we both wanted to be on the same page with no surprises later on.
#3 Public Support. Have you found yourself in that situation where you're with a group of friends and one person starts talking about their partner and what made them upset and a second person jumps in to show how much worse their spouse is? And before you know it, people are going round and round about "I hate it when they do this" and "They make me so mad when they do that" and "I would not put up with that if I were you". It is during these scenarios when we step back and think of how much we love each other. Instead of participating in the negative bru-ha-ha, we'll stay silent or change topics. Why you ask? Because tearing down each other in public is not a show of support for one another in our home. We are each other's biggest cheerleaders. And if there was truly something we felt the need to gripe about, we would address it at home with each other and fight that $h@t out till it was resolved. In a cordial manner of course :-) Now that's not to say that if there was an issue we were looking for some insight on from a trusted friend, we wouldn't share that with someone. Of course we would and do. But putting our business out among a group of people we don't really know who are chomping at the bit to feel justified in their bitterness is just not productive for us.
#4 and speaking of fighting... Yes, we fight. Some of y'all know we have had some doozies! But we laugh about it and we let it go. And we usually wait till the storm has passed before relating the events to someone. No grudge holding allowed. Our marriage counseling was conducted beautifully by Father John Goddard. On session two he asked us about our last fight. We happily launched into a vivid retelling of the fight we had the day before. Father John looked at us amazed and said most couples tell him they don't fight at all. That's right, most couples seen by Father John would rather lie to a person of the cloth than face their own issues. We don't have time for all that! The truth shall set you free and it set us on a path of openness and quick forgiveness. If I don't have the words to express why I'm upset, we take a break and go eat dinner or play with Cassidy. Then when I'm ready, and I have all the words in hand that I need, we get back to it. If Matt starts to tense up and do this crazy hand-moving-through-air-thing, we stop and he meditates. Then he comes back ready to listen and be heard. It is work. But it is worth it.
#5 We take advantage of support offered by other couples in our life together. Matt's parents have been married for nearly 40 years. With Terri and Kyle, we often feel like we're looking in the mirror! We know their home as well as ours, and to date they are the only people Cassidy has spent the night with. Jen and Kari were among the first people to celebrate with us when we got engaged, and showed us how to nurture one another when beset by adversity. Rita and Steve feed us with generosity and kindness. Witnessing the start of Heather and John's life reminds us of our beginning together. Mark and Rene show us faithfulness. I could go on and on about the incredible couples and people in our life. I would be writing for much longer if I cited everyone that brings joy and love to our family. I might not have written your name down, but you know who you are. There are many more examples than just the few people I mentioned and it is because we have this network of friends and family that we can be successful. Love produces more love and there is an abundance of it in our little world.
#6 We laugh. And giggle. And chortle. And guffaw. Until tears are streaming down our cheeks, landing on hands holding our stomachs while we try to catch our breath. There is always time for some silliness in our household. We try not take ourselves too seriously.
#7 As a female, I don't do the "You should know what I'm thinking and I should not have to tell you" game. Nobody wins that game in our house. Matt is not a mind reader. And I am not afraid to use my voice while alternating the level of sassy that infuses my tone so as not to be shrewish. If I look upset and Matt asks me if I'm ok and I answer, "I'm fine."....it means I'm fine, or I will be soon if you give me some space, and let me get over it. If I'm really not fine then I speak up and say what's bothering me.
#8 As a male, Matt is the head of our household without being a dictator. We are equals but I trust him to lead our family. He equally participates in everything it takes to run a home and raise our child. And when we need to, we each step up and help out more to support the other.
There is so much more to the intricacies that make us work. But as I said in the beginning, we like to keep SOME things private... ;)
So I encourage you to think about your relationships. Tell someone you love them. Partner, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, beloved pet - it's all love and these relationships matter. If you can, don't let society dictate to you what's right and what's wrong. Trust yourself to know yourself and make your own definitions. If it doesn't exist, create it! And if you want to, when you find that perfect blend of happy-silly-comforting-joyous-loving-challenging-person to be in your life, or maybe you already found it, know that we will support you the way you have supported us.
In a way I guess this is deeper than answering the question of why we work. As the thoughts fill the page I see more of a love letter not just about us, but to those we love and hold dear.
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